Being real in Relationship

Last week a friend shared with me about a challenging friendship in his life. He had decided to take distance from the other person, as he was not willing to bare any longer his unmet desire for more closeness and intimacy. 

It sounded like he was considering the relationship with his friend as a static 'thing', unchangeable over the duration of 10 years. As if the lack of friendship and closeness he experienced, was a set feature of their connection and wouldn't change. 

I prefer to think of a relationship as a dynamism and a verb -  it's work in progress every day and an opportunity to re-connect and create in each moment. 

And I wondered: if he and the partner would have consciously and honestly explored their individual desires for autonomy and togetherness in their relationship, would there be a different outcome? 

Might they've been able to find common ground and a way to navigate their different needs and desires whilst staying in connection? 

These feel like empowering inquiries, but not easy to navigate. 

It requires to be real with each other. And that can be a scary thing to do: to be real about what's happening in your experience.

To courageously open up.

To not skip over hurt, shame, needs, disappointments. 

Not to act out on them either. 

Instead, to have an honest look and engage in an exploration of what's real.

To trust that when experience is fully received, valued and accepted, it will unfold into deeper love and care.

When this kind of presence and awareness is brought into connection, I believe there's a good chance to adequately navigate the ebbs and flows in relationships. Regardless of the outcome.

And in my friend’s situation, he and the partner could have - maybe - found a level of closeness that worked for both. 

In Circling we practice these relational skills: being real, showing up authentically in connection and meeting others in presence.

These skills not only support better relating with others, but it implies being in a living inquiry together with others, being present and in presence, which often invites spontaneous and mysterious unfolding of different kinds. 

And a deeper connection.

(Written for a Circling Europe mailing)